The Complete Idiots Guide to... (revised version)
by gasarch
Summary: The school holds a reading contest/Mystik Spiral debates a name change


Daria Fan Fiction.  
  
TITLE: The Complete Idiots Guide to...  
  
AUTHOR: William Gasarch  
  
Daria is a TV show on MTV, a cartoon show, which  
I am quite fond of. I am not alone--- there are websites  
and lots of fan fiction.   
(e.g., http://www.outpost-daria.com)  
I originally thought that  
the fan fiction I write would ONLY be of interest to  
people who watch the show, but I was pleasently surprised  
when someone who is not a fan and is not American,  
saw my fan fiction and liked it.  
  
SO,   
  
IF you are a fan of the show and LIKE the story GOOD  
IF you are a fan of the sow and DON"T LIKE it, sorry to have wasted your time.  
IF you are NOT a fan of the show and like it GREAT  
If you are NOT a fan of the show and DON"T like it, then I can blame it on  
your not being a fan.  
  
AUTHOR EMAIL: gasarch@cs.umd.edu  
(Please include)  
  
DESCRIPTION:   
The school tries to encourage reading.  
Mystik Spiral debates a name change.  
  
SETTING: School Situations.  
  
NOTE TO READERS: Please email me if you read it and  
liked it or disliked it. I have no idea if I'm being  
read or not and would like to know. Constructive  
comments welcome. Destructive also. Praise also.  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
ACT I  
  
O'NEILL: Today we will discuss the philosophy of Plato.  
Kevin, what do you know about Plato?  
  
KEVIN: Well, he never got any.  
  
O'NEILL: What?  
  
KEVIN: Well, like, if I was a friend of Daria's  
I would say   
``Daria is my friend, but its totally   
Platonic'' then that would mean I didn't get any.  
  
BRITTANY: Kevy! You make me so mad! Thinking about  
Daria that way!  
  
KEVIN: But Brittany, I'm not even friends with Daria!  
  
DARIA: (sarcastic) You give me something to aspire to.  
  
KEVIN: Anyway, since we name not-getting-any after Plato, he  
must be a guy who never got any.  
  
O'NEILL: Uh... interesting. Well, Daria, tell us what you  
know about Plato.  
  
DARIA: (unenthused) He believed that for every class of objects,  
like a chair, there was an ideal version, like a perfect chair.   
He called these Platonic forms.  
For example, somewhere there is an ideal Kevin.  
  
KEVIN: Cool!  
  
DARIA: While our Kevin *almost always* says the wrong thing,  
the perfect Kevin will *always* say the wrong thing.  
  
KEVIN: Wow, I gotta meet this guy!  
  
(Ms. Li, Ms. Barch, the manager of the Doo-Dad store (seen in MALLED) and  
the manager of Books-By-The-Ton walk in.  
I will denote the Doo-Dad store manager by DOODAD, the book store  
manager by BOOK.)  
  
O'NEILL: Ms. Li! (he gets cut off by her talking)  
  
LI: I have some exciiiiiiting news! The   
Mall of the millennium will reward students who read!  
The more you read, the more points I,uh, I mean YOU get, and those points  
translate into vaaaaluable savings. Here are the managers of  
Books-by-the-ton and Doooooo-Dads to tell you more.  
  
JANE: (Raises her hand). Lets say that Kevin and Daria are both  
interested in the relationship between man and apes.  
Daria reads Charles Darwin's `The origin of Species'  
and Kevin reads `Curious George' Will they get the same  
number of points?  
  
  
BOOK: Since we at Books-by-the-ton are helping to sponsor  
this program you get points based on the *weight* of the books.  
For every pound of books that you read, you get one point.  
Every point is good for $1.00 off.  
  
DARIA (to Jane, whispering): So, they judge quality by weight.  
  
JANE: (To Daria) Great. Art books weigh a lot! I could cash in!  
(to DOODAD): Will the coupons be for *any* store in the Mall?  
  
DOODAD: Yes. Including the doo-dad store!  
  
BRITTANY: What's a doo-dad?  
  
DOODAD: Ask Daria. She was our 1000th customer and won  
100 dollars worth of doo-dads!  
  
BRITTANY: Daria, what's a doo-dad?  
  
DARIA: (sarcastic) After looking over all the doo-dads I won, I  
still don't know.  
  
DOODAD: No, seriously, tell everyone what a doo-dad is.  
  
DARIA: Its that stuff you hate *getting* as gifts from   
friends, but love *giving* as gifts to enemies.  
  
DOODAD: (missing the point) Right! Doo-dads make great gifts!  
And, if you read sixteen ounces of books, you get a coupon to buy a dollar's  
worth of doo-dads!  
  
JODIE (to Ms. Li) How will you know we actually read the books?  
  
DARIA: (Sarcastic) Just take our word for it.  
  
KEVIN: Wow, then I can read Curious George, *and* that   
Dar-guy that Dar-ia likes.  
  
BRITTANY: Kevy, I think Daria was being sar- sarc-, what's the word?  
I don't think she was expressing her true feelings.  
  
O'NEILL: Daria, you should feel free to express your true feelings!  
  
DARIA: Okay. (sarcastic) I think the best way to ensure that   
we actually read the books is to install security cameras in all our houses.  
  
LI: (serious) I thought so too, but the Mall pointed out the expense  
which would come out of my kickbacks--- I mean out of our school  
budget, so we came up with an alternative plan.  
If you *claim* you read a book, then one of the teachers at Lawndale  
will quiz you on it.  
  
DARIA: What if you read a book that none of the teachers at Lawndale  
knows?  
  
LI: (uneasy with the question) Well, uh, that won't happen. The  
teachers here are (winces when she says this) intelligent people  
who can read any book you care to suggest. For example Ms. Barch  
can handle any science book,  
and Mr. O'Neill can handle any book of literature.  
  
O'NEILL: Except those that don't have Cliff notes--- (he's cut off while  
saying ``Cliff notes'')  
  
LI: Any book, Mr. O'Neill!  
  
JODIE: Are there any other benefits from these coupons?  
  
LI: If the school tops 100,000 points, and two  
student top 10,000 points, then we qualify  
for a grant to install metal detectors.   
We want to protect the students from  
*random* acts of violence.  
  
DARIA (to Jane):   
So, my *well planned* acts of violence should be fine.  
  
JODIE: (ignoring Daria) Do individual students get rewards?   
  
LI: The top student gets a plaque that says  
``Reading champion of Lawndale High''  
  
O'NEILL: Class dismissed (they've already started leaving).  
  
(Kevin and Brittany walking in the halls.)  
KEVIN: Did you hear that? Daria thinks I'm perfect!  
  
BRITTANY: Why do you care if Daria thinks you're perfect? You're  
relationship with her is, what-did-you-say, totally moronic.  
  
(Daria and Jane talking, Jodie joins them)  
DARIA: Shouldn't we read for --- (Jane cuts her off)  
  
JANE: (mimicing Daria) our enjoyment, and not because we're bribed to?  
  
DARIA: How did you know what I was going to say?  
  
JANE: Your indignation is predicatable.  
  
JODIE (catching up with them, she's heard the conversation):  
C'mon Daria, you can't be cynical about this. The Mall is  
encouraging students to read. Its a win-win situation.  
  
DARIA: We're helping Ms. Li get a metal detector.  
As someone who carries around lots of spare change, I have to object.  
  
JODIE: But say Quinn wants to buy lipstick so she reads 5 pounds  
of books. She's expanded her horizons! Isn't that good?  
  
DARIA: Not if the books are about lipstick.  
  
JODIE: (asks nervously) Well, does winning the plaque interest you?  
  
JANE: Jodie, if you really want to win the plaque, just  
give Daria a bribe.   
  
DARIA: I take small unmarked bills, cocaine, or Nazi gold.  
  
JODIE: (uneasy) What do you intend on reading?  
  
DARIA: I'll read what I always read. I'm not going to let some  
dumb contest change what I read.  
  
  
(End of ACT I. As the scene fades show the scene of   
Ms. Li coming into the classroom with the managers.)  
  
----------------------------------  
FIRST COMMERICAL: (We see George Washington cutting down a cherry tree.)  
  
WASHINGTONS FATHER: George, did you cut down that tree?!  
  
GEORGE: I cannot tell a lie! It was I! I wanted to  
bake a cherry pie!  
  
WASHINGTIONS FATHER: Well son I can't blame you!  
Because nothing tastes better than George Washington's Cherry Pies!  
Available at a supermarket near you!  
  
----------  
SECOND COMMERCIAL: (Voice over) Next week, at the 10-spot, on  
Daria, the school and her parents get her to  
do something she finds idiotic and demeaning.  
Jane and Daria are sarcastic throughout!  
(Show Clip of Jane and Daria walking)  
  
DARIA: This activity is the dumbest one yet.  
JANE: You said that last week.  
  
  
--------------------------------------  
ACT II:  
  
(Opening Scene: Jane and Daria are walking to Jane's house.)  
  
JANE: My house may be louder than usual.  
  
DARIA: Is Mystik Spiral practicing?  
  
JANE: Warming up, practicing, playing-- I can't tell the difference.  
They'll be playing  
all the songs they know in alphabetical order, hoping it  
will inspire a new name.  
  
DARIA: Didn't they already do that?  
(NOTE TO READER: they did this in my prior fan-fic THE LAW OF INCLUSION  
AND EXCLUSION)  
  
JANE: They started with AMERICAN PIE and ended up with Z Z TOP.  
  
DARIA: But... AMERICAN PIE is a *song*, and Z Z TOP is a *group*.  
  
JANE: They got confused because KOOL AND THE GANG did a song called  
KOOL IN THE GANG. Now they've got to start all over.  
(They enter the basement.)  
  
MAX (the bald member of Mystik spiral, first seen in SPEEDTRAPPED):  
Hey, we're BAD. We should call ourselves THE CRIMINALES.  
  
JANE: Too sophisticated.  
  
MAX: How about ``The Bad Boys of Rock'' ?  
  
TRENT: Too explicit.  
  
JESSE: How about just ``The Bad Boys'' ?  
  
TRENT: Doesn't quite capture it.  
  
MAX: How about just ``Bad'' ?  
  
DARIA (Thinking to herself, then out loud) That would go with your music.  
(She's embarrassed that she said it aloud.)  
  
TRENT: Good one, Daria.  
  
DARIA: (Trying to say something postive.)  
What's wrong with the old name? I mean `Mystik Spiral'  
is better then `Strawberry alarm clock' or `Iron Butterfly'.  
  
JESSE: Wow! ``Strawberry Alarm Clock'' . Thats a cool name.  
Can we use that?  
  
TRENT: Hey, like Daria said, even ``Mystik Spiral'' is better than that.  
  
JESSE: How about ``Iron Butterfly'' ?  
  
JANE: (Interupts before Trent can respond to Jesse, trying  
to spare Jesse some embarassment) How about ``The Andy Warhols''  
  
JESSE: What?  
  
JANE: Andy Warhol painted pictures of soup cans.  
  
JESSE: Did he work for Campbell's soup?  
  
DARIA (deadpan): Now that he's dead, we'll never know.  
  
TRENT: But we're musicians, not artists. That doesn't sound right.  
  
DARIA: Whats wrong with the old name?   
  
TRENT: When I *say* it, it sounds fine, but when I *see*  
it, it looks all wrong.  
  
DARIA: How do you say it?  
  
TRENT: I introduce the band as  
``We're Mystik Spiral, but we're thinking of changing the name''  
  
DARIA: Then how about calling yourselves  
``Mystik Sprial but we're thinking of changing the name.''  
  
TRENT: Brilliant... But too long.  
  
DARIA: Oh. (Looks a little disappointed.)  
  
JANE: Daria, want to go off to the library and pick up  
some heavy books?  
  
TRENT: Are you getting into some deep philosophy?  
  
JANE: No, I meant literally, books that weigh a lot.  
  
TRENT: Oh. Cool.  
  
FADE OUT. FADE INTO library.  
We cut to scene where they are checking books out.  
As they check the books out of the library we see  
a scale that says ``reserved for use by Lawndale High students''  
We see Daria leaving the library with many books.  
The titles are:  
  
The history of stupidity  
Six philosophical mistakes  
  
The history of philosophy  
The philosophy of history  
The history of history  
The philosophy of philosophy  
  
Clear and Present Danger- Tom Clancy  
Executive Order- Tom Clancy  
A Man in Full- Tom Wolfe  
Bonfire of the Vanities- Tom Wolfe  
(Note--- these two are big.)  
  
  
Jane has lots of heavy art books.  
  
JANE: What was your criteria in choosing your books?  
  
DARIA: I like history and philosophy  
  
JANE: and...  
  
DARIA: (sarcastic) I like really heavy books that happen to be easy to read.  
  
JANE: I thought you were only going to get books you were planning  
on reading anyway.  
  
DARIA: I was planning on reading some Tom Clancy and Tom Wolfe novels.  
  
JANE: So there is no connection between your yen for heavy books  
and the fact that reading is now worth some money?  
  
DARIA: Read my lips: no connection.  
  
JANE: It would be easier to read your lips if you used lipstick.  
  
DARIA: One of the advantages of not using it.  
  
(END OF ACT II. Fade to commercial with scene of Daria checking out  
books with the scale clearly visible.)  
----------------------------------------  
  
COMMERCIAL: (Its the doo-dad store manager)  
  
Come down to the Mall of the Millennium   
and buy our doo-dads!  
(Sings with a banjo, to the tune of  
Old MacDonald had a farm:)  
  
We have doo-dads here for you  
doo-Dad doo-dad do  
We have doo-dads here for you  
doo-Dad doo-dad doo  
With a doo-doo here and a dad-dad there  
Here a doo, there a dad, everywhere a doo-dad  
We have doo-dads here for you  
doo-dad doo-dad doo.  
  
Listen to one satisfied customer!  
(They show the scene from Act I edited very carefully so all you here is:)  
  
DARIA: ... love giving as gifts...  
  
-------------------------------------------------------  
ACT III:  
  
(This entire act will be student-teacher conferences about  
books. I will just say the teacher and students,   
in the room. The setting will be that teacher's  
classroom. There will always be a scale on the  
desk to weigh the books. In between the scenes will  
be a fade out and fade in.)  
  
(Kevin and Mr. Demartino. Sandi and Upchuck are also in the room.)  
  
DEMARTINO: So KEVin. You claim you read   
``A Complete IDIOT'S guide to the PRESIDENCY''  
First off, I conGRATulate you on finding a book on your LEVEL!  
  
KEVIN: (missing Demartino's anger) Thanks!  
  
DEMARTINO: Who was our FIRST president?  
  
KEVIN: George Washington.  
  
DEMARTINO: And what was he FAMOUS for.  
  
KEVIN: Baking Cherry Pies.  
  
DEMARTINO: WHERE did you learn THAT?!  
  
KEVIN: From that Cherry Pie commercial where he chops down  
a cherry tree and makes a pie out of it.  
  
DEMARTINO: Did you read that book or not?  
  
KEVIN: I cannot tell a lie. Yeah, I read it.  
  
DEMARTINO: Who was our second president?  
  
KEVIN: I didn't get that far?  
(Ms. Li enters)  
  
LI: So, how are we doing on this book program?  
  
DEMARTINO: Kevin can't even master an IDIOT'S book on PRESIDENTS!  
  
LI: Don't be hard on him. If he gets points, then  
the school gets points.  
  
KEVIN: So, like, can I get points anyway?  
  
LI: We can work this out. How much of the book did you read.  
  
KEVIN: I cannot tell a lie. I read half of it.  
  
DEMARTINO: I don't BELIEVE this! HALF! You don't even know who  
the second president is!  
  
LI: Did he know who the first one was?  
  
DEMARTINO: (grudgingly) Yes. But he thought---  
  
LI: (interrupting) We'll give him credit for half the  
book.  
  
KEVIN: (Kevin puts the book on the scale)   
But the book only weighs eight ounces.  
  
LI: Lets change the rules to   
one point per eight ounces instead of one point per pound.  
  
KEVIN: Thanks!  
  
DEMARTINO: Excuse me while I go THROW UP in the MEN'S room.  
  
KEVIN: Cool! Can I watch?  
  
DEMARTINO: NO!  
  
SANDI: Throwing up is like, so uncool.  
(Demartino leaves and comes back. Kevin and Ms. Li leave.)  
  
DEMARTINO: Okay, SANDI, what book did you READ!?  
  
SANDI: ``The complete Idiot's guide to the vice-presidency.''  
  
DEMARTINO: And what did you LEARN from this fine BOOK?  
  
SANDI: Well like, this book shows that the vice presidents have  
always been geeks. And soooo unfashionable.  
  
DEMARTINO: How many VICE presidents have gone on to be  
PRESIDENTS?  
  
SANDI: They can't do that. The vice presidents aren't  
qualified. It would be like, so bad if a vice president  
became president.  
  
DEMARTINO: Is that INFORMATION from the BOOK you allegedly READ?  
  
SANDI: I've learned that from personal experience as  
President of the fashion club.  
  
DEMARTINO: (to himself) Its going to be a long day...  
(They talk some more, and Demartino weighs the books  
and gives her some points.)  
Next. (Upchuck approaches and hands Demartino his book.)  
  
DEMARTINO: ``An ILLustrated HIStory of PORNography''!?  
  
---------------  
(Tiffany and Ms. Barch. Tiffany has the book ``How to win friends  
and influence people'')  
  
BARCH: ``How to win friends and influence people?!''  
In todays world, a women can only do that by shaking her butt.  
  
TIFFANY: (not understanding that Ms. Barch thinks this is bad)  
Oh, you mean like this (gets up and shakes her butt.)  
  
BARCH (Calls Ms. Li): Ms. Li. Is there anyway I can give negative points?  
  
LI (See on split screen) No.  
  
BARCH: But what if the student missed the whole point of the book?  
  
LI: For some of our less gifted students  
I've raised the rate to one point for eight ounces.  
(Hangs up)  
  
BARCH: I can't give you negative points,  
but I can give you zero points.  
  
TIFFANY: Thats like, so unfair! I'll see if I can  
get points from Mr. O'Neill.  
  
BARCH: UH, okay, I'll give you points. One point per pound.  
(They weigh Tiffany's book and give her coupons. Tiffany leaves.  
Tiffany leaves and Quinn sits down.  
Ms. Barch looks at her books.)  
  
-----------------------------------------  
(Quinn and Ms. Bennett. Quinn has the book ``Optimum Dating''.)  
  
BENNETT: ``Optimum dating''?  
  
QUINN: Well, like, economics is about money   
and stuff. Dating is also about money and stuff.  
  
BENNETT: Did you apply principles of economics to dating?  
  
QUINN: Well, I try to optimize how much money a guy spends on me.  
  
BENNETT: An interesting approach, but did you read the book?  
  
QUINN: Uh,... I heard Kevin got one point per eight ounces.  
Can I get the same?  
  
BENNETT: Well Kevin isn't too bright, so we needed to---  
  
QUINN: Thats not fair! I'm not too bright either.  
  
BENNETT: Okay, you get his rate.   
(They talk a bit more, then weigh the books and give  
her the coupons.)  
  
------------  
(Stacy and O'Neill. Daria is also in the room.)  
  
O'NEILL: (crying, looking at Stacy's book)   
``I'm Okay, You're Okay'' Stacy, are you okay?  
  
STACY: (crying) Yes.  
  
O'NEILL: (crying) Okay. Ms. Li said I could give students with low  
self-esteem one point per eight ounces.  
(they weigh the books and give her the points.)  
  
DARIA: I've read the Tom Clancy Novel ``Clear and present danger''  
and that great work ``The history of philosophy''  
  
O'NEILL: What do these two books have in common?  
  
DARIA: They are both very very heavy.  
  
O'NEILL: Give me a minute, and I'll quiz you (he goes into a different  
room which is full of CLIFF NOTES. He can't find any that help. He   
panics and comes back.)  
  
O'NEILL: Uh, tell me about the Tom Clancy novels.  
  
DARIA: (She reads this off the back cover. Deadpan.)  
Clear and Present Danger. By Tom Clancy.  
The president, unsatisfied with the success of  
his ``war on drugs'', decides that  
he wants some immediate success.   
He assigns an expert team to, without  
official authorization, break the Columbian  
drug cartel.   
Jack Ryan, the head of the CIA, and  
Mr. Clark, the head of the expert team,  
clash in this novel of political intrigue and adventure.  
This is Clancy at his best!  
  
O'NEILL: Very good.  
  
DARIA: I read the back cover.  
  
O'NEILL: But... you read it with such gusto that I know  
you read the book.  
  
DARIA: I could've just seen the movie---  
  
O'NEILL: (perks up) There's a movie?  
  
DARIA: Yes, staring Harrison Ford.  
  
O'NEILL: Well... Could I test you on this book tomorow?  
  
DARIA: Okay.  
  
O'NEILL: Is there a movie versions of ``The history of philosophy''?  
  
DARIA (sarcastic): Yes, but they changed the title to  
``Austin Powers: The spy who shagged me''  
(We see Mr. O'Neill write on a pad that already has the words  
TO DO LIST  
(1) Get in touch with my inner child.  
  
He adds to the list  
  
(2) rent Clear and Present Danger  
(3) rent Austin Powers: The spy who shagged me  
)  
  
  
DARIA: I heard Kevin got one point for every eight ounces.  
The books I read were 4 times as hard as the books Kevin  
read. Shouldn't I get one point for every ounce?  
(faking low self esteem) I would feel really bad if my efforts  
weren't rewarded.  
  
O'NEILL: Okay! I'll give you one point per ounce.  
  
---------------  
(Jane and Ms. Defoe)  
  
JANE: I've read the collected works of Andy Warhol.  
  
DEFOE: Why did you choose his work?  
  
JANE: They gave out   
three free cans of Campbell's soup with each book.  
  
DEFOE: You like soup?  
  
JANE: Not especially, but the soup counts as part of the weight.  
  
DEFOE: Oh... I see. Well, what did you learn from these books?  
  
JANE: Warhol thought that anything could be art. So I took up the   
challenge of trying to transform the vilest most disgusting  
object in the world into art.  
  
DEFOE: (a bit afraid) Did you succeed?  
  
JANE: Here it is. (She produces a sculpture made of  
paint-by-numbers sets. They are mangled and crushed with a dagger  
going through them and lots of blood.)  
  
DEFOE: (excited) Thats a great use of paint-by-numbers sets!  
Too bad you had to *buy* six sets...  
  
JANE: My grandmother always gives her ``granddaughter artist''  
a paint-by-number sets for my birthday. They've been gathering  
dust under my bed... until now.  
  
DEFOE: This creative effort deserves extra points.  
  
JANE: I heard Daria got one point per ounce. Can I have  
that too?  
  
DEFOE: You not only read this book, but you created art based  
on it. You get two points per ounce.  
(They weigh the books and give her coupons.  
Defoe picks up Jane's next book.)  
  
DEFOE: ``The DaDa movements and art'' Sounds interesting.  
(opens it) These pages are all blank!  
  
JANE: The Dada movement believed that art was arbitrary,  
and that those blank pages are as good as...  
a Tom Clancy novel.  
  
DEFOE: Do you believe that?  
  
JANE: No, but I believe you owe me (puts the book on the scale)  
eight points.  
  
---------------------------  
(Jodie and Ms. Manson. Daria is also in the room)  
  
MS. MANSON: (approvingly) ``How to prepare for the SAT's'',  
``Achieving your potential'', and ``The seven habits  
of highly neurotic people''  
  
JODIE: I heard that Daria got one point per ounce.  
Shouldn't I get that too? It would help me  
achieve my potential.  
  
MS. MANSON: Oh, okay.  
(She weighs the books and gives Jodie coupons. Jodie leaves.)  
Next. Daria. Lets see.  
``Experiments in Pschology using everyday   
objects and members of your family''?  
``When Bad things happen to people who deserve it''?  
``Divorce your family''?  
Why are all your books so, so...  
  
DARIA: Uplifting?  
  
MANSON: Thats not the word I had in mind. Any more books?  
  
DARIA: Yes, ``The Complete Idiot's guide to Fashion''  
  
MANSON: Are you being sarcastic?  
  
DARIA: (deadpan) I can't tell anymore.   
(She looks in her knapsack and produces the book.)  
I wasn't being sarcastic-- here it is.  
  
MANSON: That's not your kind of book.   
  
DARIA: Quinn gave it to me for Christmas. Sometime during  
the Bush administration. I've used it as a paperweight  
ever since, but it's heavy, so I read it.  
Shouldn't I get extra points for expanding my horizons.  
  
MANSON: I'll check that. (She calls Ms. Li. We hear only Manson's half)  
Daria read a book on fashion and--- no I'm not kidding.  
She wants extra points since it expanded her horizons.  
Okay, 2 points an ounce.  
  
DARIA: If you give every student 2 points an ounce for expanding  
their horizons you'll give out an awful lot of points ...  
  
END OF ACT III  
  
FADE TO COMMERCIAL Showing scene of Mr. O'Neill adding to his  
TO DO list.  
  
----------------  
COMMERCIAL: Coming up next,  
We'll have a reporter (shown to be Jodie) interview a  
Daria fan (shown to be Mr. Demartino)  
JODIE: When do you watch Daria?  
DEMARTINO: I TRIed to watch it wedensDAY at 10:00PM but I MISsed the first  
5 minutes! THEN I TRIed to watch IT SaturDAY at 9:30AM, BUT it was  
moved to 9:00!  
JODIE: What about the reruns on weekdays?  
DEMARTINO: They are often CANcelled WITHout WARNing! I've SET my VCR  
to TAPE it, but when it's NOT on all I get is MTV CRAP!  
JODIE: Any other comments?  
DEMARTINO: YEAH. Many good WRITERS and ACTORS work on DARIA.  
You at least OWE it to them to get the TIME SLOT right!  
  
_________________________________________________----  
ACT IV  
  
(We see Jane and Daria in the Mall.)  
  
DARIA: I've accumulated 500 dollar's worth of free  
merchandise.  
  
JANE: Yowser!  
  
DARIA: I am going to buy 500 dollar's worth of free books.  
But here's the catch--- I'm not going to buy anything else.  
  
JANE: Why not?  
  
DARIA: We pretend to read books. The school pretends   
to care if we read them. We come to the Mall pretending  
that we'll save money. But most of us  
buy more than we set out to. I refuse to play  
that game.  
  
JANE: You're here, aren't you?   
  
DARIA: I *read* the books and I *will*  
save money here. Making Mr. O'Neil care if  
I read the books is beyond me---- unless  
the books have Cliff notes.  
  
JANE: What kind of books are you going to buy?  
  
DARIA: Heavy, cheap, and easy-to-read.  
  
JANE: You could be a criminal mastermind. If you were a criminal.  
And a mastermind.   
(They arrive at BOOKS-BY-THE-TON. The Cliff Notes section is empty,  
all sold out. So is a rack called ``Heavy books which have been made  
into movies.'')  
  
DARIA (to the manager): Where are the Cliff notes?  
  
MANAGER: They've sold out.   
You Lawndale students are buying them hand-over-fist.  
  
DARIA: So students read summaries of a classic  
instead of the work itself.  
  
MANAGER: Yeah, isn't that great?! And the best part is, with this  
book program at Lawndale, they buy the classic too!  
  
JANE (to Daria): Daria, what's wrong with Cliff notes?  
  
DARIA (to Jane): Whats wrong with paint-by-numbers sets?  
  
JANE: Well, mine are now mangled and crushed.  
  
DARIA: Lets see what we want to buy. Any of those  
``Complete Idiot's guide ...'' books interest you?  
  
JANE: Here's one you should give Trent!   
``The Complete Idiot's guide to naming your rock band.''  
  
DARIA: I can't give that to Trent. What would he   
think of me?  
  
JANE: Trent? He'd say ``Good one, Daria''  
Hey, usually you don't care what people think of you.  
(Jane's ``Good one Daria'' is done in EXACT Trent voice.  
Daria looks startled by that.)  
  
DARIA: Well... why don't *you* buy it for him.  
  
JANE: (thinking hmmm) Okay, I will.  
  
(Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie come in.)  
  
JAMIE: Hey, look there, ``The Complete idiot's guide to  
dating Quinn'' And there's only one copy left.  
I spotted it, it's mine!  
  
JOEY: NO, Quinn likes me best, it's mine!  
  
JEFFY: No, Quinn winked at me in class yesterday, it's mine!  
(They fight over it.)  
  
DARIA (to Manager): There's actually a Complete Idiots' guide  
to dating Quinn?  
  
MANAGER: Yeah, it's one of our best sellers.  
  
JANE: Makes sense. Only complete idiots want to date Quinn.  
  
MANAGER: That would make most of Lawndale high complete idiots.  
(Daria points to the three J's fighting over the book. The  
manager nods in agreement.)  
  
(We see Daria and Jane wandering around getting many books.  
They buy them with the coupons.  
They leave with a shopping cart full of books.)  
  
MANAGER: Is that all?  
  
JANE (in Arnold Schwarzenegger imitation) We'll be back!  
  
FADE OUT FADE INTO SCHOOL. Principal Li's office.  
She's on the phone with three people, screen is  
split four ways. The three are the managers of  
Books by the ton,  
DooDads,  
The Sports Shorts.  
  
LI: You wanted a conference call to discuss how  
our book program is working out.   
Doo-Dads, what's dooing? What's dadding? (laughs at  
her own joke. Nobody else does.)  
  
DOODAD: Business is good! Sandi got some doodads for Quinn.  
There's a rumor going around that doodads are good  
as gifts for people you hate.  
But, business is business. She bought $5.00 worth using  
free coupons, and then another $10.00 with real money.  
  
LI: Sports Shorts?  
  
SPORTS SHORTS: Kevin thought he had enough coupons for 4 pairs of shorts, but he only had  
enough for 2. He couldn't do the simple math, so  
I wondered how he managed to read the 20 pounds of  
books you would need to buy even 2 pairs of shorts.  
  
LI: Oh. Thats what I wanted to tell you about. We changed  
it to one point an ounce instead of one point a pound.  
Some students are even getting two points per ounce.  
  
ALL MANAGERS: WHAT!  
  
LI: This way the school gets more points faster, and we  
get our metal detector.  
  
ALL: And what do we get?  
  
LI: More students spending more time in your shops.  
(The managers grumble.)  
  
BOOKS: This may explain something. Daria  
bought 500 dollar's worth of free books.  
I knew she was a good reader, but that good!?  
She didn't buy anything else.  
  
LI: Why not?!  
  
BOOKS: She initially read books from the *library*.  
  
LI: From the library! Thats cheating!  
  
BOOKS: Even though we're losing money on Daria,  
I wouldn't call going to the library cheating.  
  
LI: Since I get 10% of the profits  
made from students with coupons, she's cheating me.  
  
BOOKS: Well, what are you going to do about it?  
  
LI: You'll see.  
  
END OF ACT IV  
(see Li on phone with the four of them.)  
-------------------------------------  
  
COMMERCIAL: A bunch of guys are eating planter's nuts.  
There is a woodpecker outside the window. They debate if  
birds like nuts. The woodpecker settles the arguments by  
pecking at the door until a shape JUST LIKE THE SHAPE  
OF MR. PEANUT is formed and punched out, and  
the bird then swoops down on the nuts. The guys are  
amazed how much the bird likes nuts. I'm amazed that  
he can peck things JUST LIKE THE SHAPE OF MR. PEANUT!  
-------------------  
  
ACT V  
  
FADE OUT. FADE IN to school auditorium.  
Ms. Li is speaking.  
  
LI: (Angry) Someone, who I will just refer to as D,  
earned 500 dollars of free books at the library,  
and then used them at Books-by-the-ton!  
  
DARIA: Well, what's wrong with that?  
  
LI: We should help those sponsors that are helping us.  
Hence there is a new rule: We will only count a book  
if it is bought from Books-By-The-Ton with real money.  
  
(As they walk out, Jodie and Daria are talking.)  
  
JODIE: So Daria, are you going to *buy* books now?  
  
DARIA: I am not going to be coerced into buying books.  
I might *read* books I wouldn't otherwise read,  
but I'm not going to *buy* books I wouldn't otherwise buy.  
  
JODIE: But Daria, you're ahead of me by only 100 points.  
I want to win, but not because you quit.  
  
DARIA: I'm not quitting. I was never competing.  
  
JODIE: But if I win this way then (cut off)  
  
DARIA: If you win then you're dad might let you relax this summer.  
  
JODIE: Thats a nice thought. Too bad its not true.  
  
FADE OUT. FADE IN.  
Screen says  
One week later  
  
(Ms. Li's office. Jodie, Daria, and Ms. Li are there.)  
  
LI: Daria, we have a problem.  
  
DARIA: (sarcastic) The school's attack dogs bit someone   
and they're going to sue?  
  
LI: (serious) That's being settled out of court.  
*We* have a different problem. *We* need to have two students  
top 10,000 points. Jodie has 10,348. You have 9,987.  
All you need are 13 points to top 10,000.  
  
DARIA: Then *you*, not *we*, have a problem.  
Your insistence that the books be bought with real money  
stopped me from topping 10,000.  
  
LI: But I had to impose that rule.  
  
DARIA: My 500 dollar spree got Books-By-The-Ton mad?  
  
LI: They weren't mad. I was. You were cutting into my kick---  
(stops herself)  
  
DARIA: I see. For the good of getting the metal detectors,  
you want me to get lots of points. For the good of your own  
Swiss bank account, you want me to only buy from  
Books-By-The-Ton. So you have a conflict of interest.  
  
LI: Daria! What will it take to get you to read 14 more  
points of books!  
  
DARIA: If you promise to use the money to update the library then I'll  
read the 14 points worth.  
  
LI: (thinking) Okay.  
  
DARIA (thinking to herself) That was too easy.  
  
FADE OUT. FADE IN.  
  
(Lawndale High Auditorium)  
  
  
LI: And the award for BEST LAWNDALE HIGH READER goes  
to Jodie Landon.  
(A few claps from Mac. Jodie goes to accept the award.)  
  
JODIE: In accepting this award I want to thank Daria who  
stood by her principles rather than compete.  
  
KEVIN: Does Daria hang out with the Principal?  
  
LI: I have more good news. Since Jodie and Daria both topped 10,000 points  
we got federal money to update our library.  
(very restrained applause) We can now use some library funds to  
buy that metal detector.  
  
DARIA: Damn!  
  
FADE OUT. FADE IN.  
  
(The entrance to the school. The metal detector is there.)  
  
DEMARTINO: I MIGHT cause the MACHINE some TROUBLE.  
  
LI: (worried) You're not carrying a gun. Are you?  
  
DEMARTINO: I'll TRY walking through it. (He does, and it  
beeps furiously.)  
  
LI: Whats up?  
  
  
DEMARTINO: I have a METAL plate in my HEAD from VIETNAM.  
You MAY have to have a SPECIAL entrance.  
  
LI: Just go through, and we'll ignore the beeps.  
(He does so, and the machine beeps loudly and then explodes.)  
  
DARIA (to Jane): She outsmarted me, but the machine outsmarted her.  
  
JANE: Do you call that a happy ending?  
  
DARIA: I call it an ending.  
  
JANE: I don't. (faces the camera) Stay tuned for more of Daria.  
  
  
END OF ACT V  
  
FADE to COMMERCIAL. Showing scene of metal detector exploding.  
  
-----------------------------------------  
  
FIRST COMMERICAL:  
A young man is working as a valet at a parking garage.  
He takes an older man's car and begins driving off.  
Once out of sight he drives really recklessly, even  
driving off the roof to the roof of some other building  
The older man whose car it is almost sees his car  
flying across, but doesn't quite. A can of soda  
flies into the young mans hands and he catches it.  
Its a Mountain Dew! Hence, he is rewarded for his  
utterly reckless activities with a can of soda.  
  
SECOND COMMERICAL: Just say NO to drugs!  
Its NOT cool to act reckless.  
Its just stupid.  
  
-------------------------------------------  
ACT VI  
  
(Jane and Daria in Jane's basement with Mystik Spiral)  
  
TRENT: Daria, Jane, we got a name.  
  
DARIA: What is it?  
  
TRENT: Our new name is (he writes it down)  
Mystic Spiral  
  
DARIA: Uh,... how is that different?  
  
TRENT: The old name was spelled wrong. That's why it never quite  
looked right written down. And Daria that book you gave me helped.  
  
DARIA: What book?  
  
TRENT:``The Complete Idiot's guide to naming your rock band''  
The first rule was to spell it right. Misspelled names  
are just stupid.  
  
JANE (to Daria): I gave him that book and told him it was from you.  
  
DARIA (puzzled): Why?  
  
JANE: Because its the kind of thing Daria does--  
but you seem to act differently around Trent. I could have said  
``This is from the real Daria instead of the one who gets nervous  
in front of you.'' but that's even longer than  
``Mystik Spiral but we're thinking of changing the name''.  
  
TRENT: And we wrote a song to thank you.  
(the band sings)  
  
Daria, we think you're swell!  
Daria, you taught us to spell!  
Daria, if you got into a terrible disfiguring accident  
we would hope you get well!  
Daria, we hope you never see a padded cell!  
  
Its a first draft.  
  
(They all mill around, then Jesse approaches Jane.)  
  
JESSE: So like, Trent and Daria seem to like each other,  
but Daria acts weird around him. What is their relationship?  
  
JANE: Its moronic.  
  
JESSE: Don't you mean---  
  
JANE: (cuts him off). You're right. I meant to say  
its TOTALLY moronic.  
  
THE END  
  
CLOSING SONG: ``Daria'' by Cake  
CLOSING ALTER EGOS:  
  
Kevin as George Washington  
Kevin as Bill Clinton   
O'Neill as Austin Powers  
O'Neill as Dr. Evil  
Quinn as Dan Quayle  
Quinn as Al Gore  
Jane as a Campbells Soup Can  
Jane as a Paint-by-numbers drawing  
Daria as a CIA spy  
Daria as a Greek Philosopher  
Daria as a fashion model  
Li as Al Capone  
Li as a dollar bill  
  
AUTHORS NOTES:   
  
1) The stories of C.E. Forman were my main inspiration.  
I've read all of Forman's stuff and LIKED it. When I wrote  
my story I used my thoughts of Forman's stuff to guide me.   
  
Forman writes stories that really really COULD be   
episodes. This story is mostly in that mode.  
Forman's stories can be found at  
http://www.outpost-daria.com)  
Look under fanfiction, and then under featured authors.  
Kara Wild's stuff is also quite good and IF I had read it  
before doing my stories THEN they would have been an inspiration.  
Her fanfic is at the same place.  
She HAS inspired me to make LONGER Author Notes.  
  
2) My stories have a rough order: IQ is a fantasy piece  
and not really in the timeline.  
Aside from that the order is  
THE LAW OF INCLUSION AND EXCLUSION.  
THE COMPLETE IDIOTS GUIDE TO...  
IMITATION IS NOT THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY.  
  
There is NOT much continuity, but you may get  
SOME back references.  
  
3) The main inspiration for this fanfic was the scene  
of the student-teacher conferences. I wrote that first  
and then wrote around it. I also had the ending worked  
out very early. If you start with a strong ending and  
write backwards you get a good ending but may have  
a more awkward beginning.  
  
4) Some of the information comes from THE DARIA DIARIES  
and THE DARIA DATABASE. In particular, some of the books  
Quinn and Daria have are from there, and Jane's Grandma giving  
her Paint-by-numbers sets. Also, I think Jane disliking  
Paint-by-number sets is also from there.   
  
  
5) This DARIA fanfic story is copyright 1999  
and may be distributed freely in unaltered  
form provided that authors name  
and email are included.  



End file.
